Stipulations...
Okay, few things...
1) Myself and that poop-sicle Geoff made a friendly wager today that I fully intend on winning. because 1). Geoff sucks and 2). I rule. This chump bet me a fiver that I couldn't go without fast food for a month. Not a burger, fries, salad, nothing. We are going on the honor system, but I rarely eat fast food alone, so this one is in the bag.
2) Geoff's rules to gaining weight have some major problems...
1) Eat all foods. Do not discriminate. Doesn't matter if you don't like it, it's not about you.
2) Eat often. As a matter of fact, eat every second of the day. Eat everywhere you go even if it is considered a social faux pau to eat there. Bring beef jerky to funerals, eat submarine sandwhiches while showering, and by god, eat that brat whilst you deficate.
3) No one cares if you are not hungry, if you just ate, then damnit, eat again.
4) Always eat before you leave to go anywhere. I mean anywhere. I don't care if you are going to Thanksgiving, if you don't leave the house with a sandwhich in your hand, then you are a pussy.
5) Forget about having friends. Food is your only friend.
6) Quit caring about your eating habits in front of people. Eat copious amounts of food no matter how dainty you want to feel in front of your date.
7) Always go to dinner with birds (I just made that proverb up). Go to dinner with girls that don't often finish their meals. Before the waitress comes back to offer a box, scarf her meal. Also, while she is at the bathroom, take bites off her plate.
8) You must have food on the mind 24/7. Think about food, dream about food, masturbate thinking of food.
9) Generally stay away from the first two levels of the food pyramid.
10) Lift weights often. Try to stay away from cardio and pace yourself whilst you lift so you don't sweat. Sweat is releasing calories. Calories turn you on, and you need to be turned on.
11) Eat babies. With BBQ or steak sauce. Or both.
There it is. 11 easy tips to weigh approx. 243 lbs.
Eat hard. Eat often. Godspeed.
-The Food Guru
1) Myself and that poop-sicle Geoff made a friendly wager today that I fully intend on winning. because 1). Geoff sucks and 2). I rule. This chump bet me a fiver that I couldn't go without fast food for a month. Not a burger, fries, salad, nothing. We are going on the honor system, but I rarely eat fast food alone, so this one is in the bag.
2) Geoff's rules to gaining weight have some major problems...
1) Eat all foods. Do not discriminate. Doesn't matter if you don't like it, it's not about you.
2) Eat often. As a matter of fact, eat every second of the day. Eat everywhere you go even if it is considered a social faux pau to eat there. Bring beef jerky to funerals, eat submarine sandwhiches while showering, and by god, eat that brat whilst you deficate.
3) No one cares if you are not hungry, if you just ate, then damnit, eat again.
4) Always eat before you leave to go anywhere. I mean anywhere. I don't care if you are going to Thanksgiving, if you don't leave the house with a sandwhich in your hand, then you are a pussy.
5) Forget about having friends. Food is your only friend.
6) Quit caring about your eating habits in front of people. Eat copious amounts of food no matter how dainty you want to feel in front of your date.
7) Always go to dinner with birds (I just made that proverb up). Go to dinner with girls that don't often finish their meals. Before the waitress comes back to offer a box, scarf her meal. Also, while she is at the bathroom, take bites off her plate.
8) You must have food on the mind 24/7. Think about food, dream about food, masturbate thinking of food.
9) Generally stay away from the first two levels of the food pyramid.
10) Lift weights often. Try to stay away from cardio and pace yourself whilst you lift so you don't sweat. Sweat is releasing calories. Calories turn you on, and you need to be turned on.
11) Eat babies. With BBQ or steak sauce. Or both.
There it is. 11 easy tips to weigh approx. 243 lbs.
Eat hard. Eat often. Godspeed.
-The Food Guru
posted by Alan @ 4:00 PM
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