It's back, baby...maybe
That rhymed...and it may be back, maybe not, we'll see.
So, you are probably sitting there, maybe standing, wondering "why in the hell is Alan posting on a blog that has been presumably dead since July of 2006". Well, the answer is that I somehow was reminded of the blog today and I thought I would take a trip down memory lane. I realized that I enjoyed the blog for a few reasons and I will lay them out for you (itemized, of course, in totally and utterly random order).
1) It lets me vent.
2) It keeps me in touch with people I love.
3) It gives me something to do.
4) Gives me a false hope that some schmuck out there actually gives a shit about what I think or do.
5) I like to write.
There it is. So, here it goes. Here are some pretty surreal updates of what I have done (or who) since the last time I blogged. Let's take a trip...
I am still at MSU (they actually haven't kicked me out for being a sexual deviant quite yet, but I am sure the higher ups are just looking for a reason to give me the big ugly axe). I have been here for almost 4 semesters (5 if you include the summer), grades are mediocre, but they are on the rise like a child molestor's weiner in a child brothel. Wrestling has been crazy (you can pretty much call me Nostradamus for calling that the heavyweights here were weak and becoming the starting heavyweight within a year).
School in general is fun as hell, if you haven't tried college, look into it. It's an incredible time. So much happens, it's just a gay old time. I lived on a floor that was co-ed in my wing and all girls in the adjacent wing (which caused all sorts of trouble...see: Sexual Chaos). I met some people that I am very close with now and dare I say, some of my...closer friends. In the dorms, I got into an EXORBINANT amount of trouble. The majority of my expolits included, but are not limited to, sex in public, public drunkeness, vandalism...in public, and many other things. To ask if I was embarassed of my actions throughout the year is a very rhetorical question (the answer is a big, fat, sweltering NO). Those horrible examples of conduct rival those of a person in jail, but I assure you it was not out of the norm in the college scene. I am still on probation in the dorms (which I no longer reside) for getting hammered with my friends (that sure as hell were not the voice of reason during any of the occurences stated) and ripping down posters and causing general chaos and wreaking 10 kinds of havoc while living there. No big deal though, because in the grand scheme of things, I am going to be a successful orthopedic surgeon, and the head of the dorms is always going to be an overweight turd who wears Christmas sweaters (not unlike ones seen in The Cosby Show) in the middle of the summer (which is beyond me, because I sweat just thinking about the month of June.
I am kind of going on tangents here that kind of relate to my last posts. Here is something that is re-occurring in the past memoirs written by me (I will try not to be completely ego-centric here, I will speak of others too that have posted here).
1) I no longer work at Foremost. Long story. Well, not really, I was on vacation on Florida after the Arnold Classic (Refer to: Greatest Time in the History of Kick Ass Super Terriffic Times) and I got a call from my boss (who was new at the time, and from the South, and obviously had a chip on his shoulder still that the Yankee's won the Civil War) and he basically fired me for calling the wrong person to tell them I was skipping work so I could go have a good time other places. That was a bit of a shock, but apparently, in a professional work environment, skipping work to go get drunk for 7 consecutive days in Florida and not giving a shit who knows it is considered "taboo" (See: The Real World and How It Works). Anyways, I was sick of working there anyway. It was gay. I said it...gay. I had a short stint as a telemarketer for MSU trying to collect money from alumni, which was okay, because I learned a lot and realized how crappy telemarketers must feel to have to call others and beg and plead and solicit. But hey, that's life, it's all about the ride, baby. I now work for the State of Michigan's Dept. of Information Technology fixing computers and running some serious damage control on the ways that the servers function. I get paid a lot, and am starting to realize how little some people that work for the State do (see: Me). I need to work more, because I feel like I am treading on thin ice as it is not working very many hours (what with wrestling and all).
2) The Rebecca Situation: Done. I finally grew a pair of balls, right around the time that I realized I could seduce better looking women with the power of a little smooth talk, reference to me being a college athlete, and a whole bunch of alcohol. I actually have never done that, but pun-tang sometimes falls into my lap (Ask Opie all about that, he is still working on the mathematic equations to how exactly that works). I acutally made a date with Rebecca about a year ago, maybe a little before, to catch up and maybe see if she isn't quite as big of an asshole as she was before. I drove to Grandville only to realize that she was going to cancel on me 30 minutes before we were supposed to meet. Reasons at this point are irrelevant to me because I finally got another big, steaming dose of reality that she didn't give a shit about me, even to be friends. So that was that. No more talking to her. Haven't spoke to her since. She no longer has a hold on me at all. However, last year, I met this girl that lives on my floor named Jolene who I really liked. Like, actually wanted to settle down (see: Date and Have Sex) with, but she was JUST like Rebecca, cancelled all the time, but I was still attracted to her. A lot went down with that, and we are still pretty good friends, but I decided to mature a little bit and drop the topic because no matter how hard I tried, it was going to work out for me. Fuck girls. I have had a lot of sex while I have been here, I won't decieve, but it hasn't been with that many girls. At least not as much as you think, you pervert. Quit imagining me naked.
3)Abby: I don't see or talk to her as much as I wish I did. I miss her friendship. I mean, we are still the best of friends (we have a tattoo to prove such), but the distance sucks. I just went up to visit her, which was nice. There is more to be said here, but I don't know what to write, I guess.
4)Wrestling: Has been the most humbling experience since I have been in college. Everyone is good, and I had a craptacular record this year to prove such assertions. The highlight of the year was when we wrestled U of M and the score was 19-17 or something, and if I won, we won, and if I lost, then we lost the dual (we hadn't beaten them in 4 years, I believe). It was very nostalgic of the Hastings Dual in the District Finals where I pinned that fat asshole from Hastings. But anyways, I won in double overtime against some dude and picked up my first dual meet victory of the year and some much appreciated press. I am hopeful for the next year though, because I am making some major adjustments to compliment my size and speed against gigantic fatty's that are bad dudes. Enough of this. It stresses me out to write about it.
5)My weight: Holy hell, talk about more changing that Micheal Jackson's skin pigment from the 80's on. Long story short, I got up to 270 lbs this past summer and after wrestling this year got back down to 240 and am going to keep it there. Not only did I get very big, but I surpassed Opie by leaps and bounds in the weight department. I still try to eat healthy, though.
6)Drinking: I don't do a ton of it, but when I do it, I take it to the max, sometimes past the max (see: Mustache Party Threesome Fiasco). I stopped drinking for 7 months during wrestling and held strong against the temptations of drinking and having a good time. However, wrestling is over now, so let the booze flow and the three-ways be plentiful. 151 is my new liquor of choice. I say choice because I choose to drink it, but after I drink it, I lose all comprehension of the word and act, without thinking, 100% of the time. I am very tactless.
I am starting to realize (through some careful revision of this novel) that I am making this sound like a goddamn letter that you send all your friends at Christmas time to tell them how awesome you are and how many children you have saved from starvation in Africa. Trust me, I have fucked up more times than Opie has masturbated to gay, fisting porn (and that's a lot). Here are some really stupid things I have done while in college.
1)Put it in a girls butt: That didn't suck, nor was it stupid, that was awesome.
2)Single-Handedly destroyed at least two girls from ever having normal relationships with guys (see: Chrissy and maybe Cara): Long story, really long story, but it wasn't all my fault in many different ways, but whatever.
3)Gotten Stupid Drunk: Destroyed Walls (with the coerciveness from other people), had sex with my closest friends, made an asshole out of myself by dancing and thinking I was the man, and many other things that are embarrassing.
That's just to name a few, but in all fairness, everyone fucks up, big time.
I don't see the people on this forum nearly enough, and I know it is partly my fault, but I have missed the company of you guys and the normalness of hanging out at Opie's crib. Opie, Jeff, Alesheia, Cass, LeeAnn, Mel, all you bitches, for reals.
Well, that's all for now, I will probably post more tomorrow if anyone is out there.
So, you are probably sitting there, maybe standing, wondering "why in the hell is Alan posting on a blog that has been presumably dead since July of 2006". Well, the answer is that I somehow was reminded of the blog today and I thought I would take a trip down memory lane. I realized that I enjoyed the blog for a few reasons and I will lay them out for you (itemized, of course, in totally and utterly random order).
1) It lets me vent.
2) It keeps me in touch with people I love.
3) It gives me something to do.
4) Gives me a false hope that some schmuck out there actually gives a shit about what I think or do.
5) I like to write.
There it is. So, here it goes. Here are some pretty surreal updates of what I have done (or who) since the last time I blogged. Let's take a trip...
I am still at MSU (they actually haven't kicked me out for being a sexual deviant quite yet, but I am sure the higher ups are just looking for a reason to give me the big ugly axe). I have been here for almost 4 semesters (5 if you include the summer), grades are mediocre, but they are on the rise like a child molestor's weiner in a child brothel. Wrestling has been crazy (you can pretty much call me Nostradamus for calling that the heavyweights here were weak and becoming the starting heavyweight within a year).
School in general is fun as hell, if you haven't tried college, look into it. It's an incredible time. So much happens, it's just a gay old time. I lived on a floor that was co-ed in my wing and all girls in the adjacent wing (which caused all sorts of trouble...see: Sexual Chaos). I met some people that I am very close with now and dare I say, some of my...closer friends. In the dorms, I got into an EXORBINANT amount of trouble. The majority of my expolits included, but are not limited to, sex in public, public drunkeness, vandalism...in public, and many other things. To ask if I was embarassed of my actions throughout the year is a very rhetorical question (the answer is a big, fat, sweltering NO). Those horrible examples of conduct rival those of a person in jail, but I assure you it was not out of the norm in the college scene. I am still on probation in the dorms (which I no longer reside) for getting hammered with my friends (that sure as hell were not the voice of reason during any of the occurences stated) and ripping down posters and causing general chaos and wreaking 10 kinds of havoc while living there. No big deal though, because in the grand scheme of things, I am going to be a successful orthopedic surgeon, and the head of the dorms is always going to be an overweight turd who wears Christmas sweaters (not unlike ones seen in The Cosby Show) in the middle of the summer (which is beyond me, because I sweat just thinking about the month of June.
I am kind of going on tangents here that kind of relate to my last posts. Here is something that is re-occurring in the past memoirs written by me (I will try not to be completely ego-centric here, I will speak of others too that have posted here).
1) I no longer work at Foremost. Long story. Well, not really, I was on vacation on Florida after the Arnold Classic (Refer to: Greatest Time in the History of Kick Ass Super Terriffic Times) and I got a call from my boss (who was new at the time, and from the South, and obviously had a chip on his shoulder still that the Yankee's won the Civil War) and he basically fired me for calling the wrong person to tell them I was skipping work so I could go have a good time other places. That was a bit of a shock, but apparently, in a professional work environment, skipping work to go get drunk for 7 consecutive days in Florida and not giving a shit who knows it is considered "taboo" (See: The Real World and How It Works). Anyways, I was sick of working there anyway. It was gay. I said it...gay. I had a short stint as a telemarketer for MSU trying to collect money from alumni, which was okay, because I learned a lot and realized how crappy telemarketers must feel to have to call others and beg and plead and solicit. But hey, that's life, it's all about the ride, baby. I now work for the State of Michigan's Dept. of Information Technology fixing computers and running some serious damage control on the ways that the servers function. I get paid a lot, and am starting to realize how little some people that work for the State do (see: Me). I need to work more, because I feel like I am treading on thin ice as it is not working very many hours (what with wrestling and all).
2) The Rebecca Situation: Done. I finally grew a pair of balls, right around the time that I realized I could seduce better looking women with the power of a little smooth talk, reference to me being a college athlete, and a whole bunch of alcohol. I actually have never done that, but pun-tang sometimes falls into my lap (Ask Opie all about that, he is still working on the mathematic equations to how exactly that works). I acutally made a date with Rebecca about a year ago, maybe a little before, to catch up and maybe see if she isn't quite as big of an asshole as she was before. I drove to Grandville only to realize that she was going to cancel on me 30 minutes before we were supposed to meet. Reasons at this point are irrelevant to me because I finally got another big, steaming dose of reality that she didn't give a shit about me, even to be friends. So that was that. No more talking to her. Haven't spoke to her since. She no longer has a hold on me at all. However, last year, I met this girl that lives on my floor named Jolene who I really liked. Like, actually wanted to settle down (see: Date and Have Sex) with, but she was JUST like Rebecca, cancelled all the time, but I was still attracted to her. A lot went down with that, and we are still pretty good friends, but I decided to mature a little bit and drop the topic because no matter how hard I tried, it was going to work out for me. Fuck girls. I have had a lot of sex while I have been here, I won't decieve, but it hasn't been with that many girls. At least not as much as you think, you pervert. Quit imagining me naked.
3)Abby: I don't see or talk to her as much as I wish I did. I miss her friendship. I mean, we are still the best of friends (we have a tattoo to prove such), but the distance sucks. I just went up to visit her, which was nice. There is more to be said here, but I don't know what to write, I guess.
4)Wrestling: Has been the most humbling experience since I have been in college. Everyone is good, and I had a craptacular record this year to prove such assertions. The highlight of the year was when we wrestled U of M and the score was 19-17 or something, and if I won, we won, and if I lost, then we lost the dual (we hadn't beaten them in 4 years, I believe). It was very nostalgic of the Hastings Dual in the District Finals where I pinned that fat asshole from Hastings. But anyways, I won in double overtime against some dude and picked up my first dual meet victory of the year and some much appreciated press. I am hopeful for the next year though, because I am making some major adjustments to compliment my size and speed against gigantic fatty's that are bad dudes. Enough of this. It stresses me out to write about it.
5)My weight: Holy hell, talk about more changing that Micheal Jackson's skin pigment from the 80's on. Long story short, I got up to 270 lbs this past summer and after wrestling this year got back down to 240 and am going to keep it there. Not only did I get very big, but I surpassed Opie by leaps and bounds in the weight department. I still try to eat healthy, though.
6)Drinking: I don't do a ton of it, but when I do it, I take it to the max, sometimes past the max (see: Mustache Party Threesome Fiasco). I stopped drinking for 7 months during wrestling and held strong against the temptations of drinking and having a good time. However, wrestling is over now, so let the booze flow and the three-ways be plentiful. 151 is my new liquor of choice. I say choice because I choose to drink it, but after I drink it, I lose all comprehension of the word and act, without thinking, 100% of the time. I am very tactless.
I am starting to realize (through some careful revision of this novel) that I am making this sound like a goddamn letter that you send all your friends at Christmas time to tell them how awesome you are and how many children you have saved from starvation in Africa. Trust me, I have fucked up more times than Opie has masturbated to gay, fisting porn (and that's a lot). Here are some really stupid things I have done while in college.
1)Put it in a girls butt: That didn't suck, nor was it stupid, that was awesome.
2)Single-Handedly destroyed at least two girls from ever having normal relationships with guys (see: Chrissy and maybe Cara): Long story, really long story, but it wasn't all my fault in many different ways, but whatever.
3)Gotten Stupid Drunk: Destroyed Walls (with the coerciveness from other people), had sex with my closest friends, made an asshole out of myself by dancing and thinking I was the man, and many other things that are embarrassing.
That's just to name a few, but in all fairness, everyone fucks up, big time.
I don't see the people on this forum nearly enough, and I know it is partly my fault, but I have missed the company of you guys and the normalness of hanging out at Opie's crib. Opie, Jeff, Alesheia, Cass, LeeAnn, Mel, all you bitches, for reals.
Well, that's all for now, I will probably post more tomorrow if anyone is out there.
posted by Alan @ 11:14 PM
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